I’ve been craving for fried chicken for as long as I can remember. All it takes was a quick chat with a friend and a 50% discount on DoorDash to convince me on spending a $15 chicken platter from Popeyes. The first piece of chicken thigh was perfection. But by the end of the 3rd chicken I stopped feeling good and had to lie down for a few minutes before gobbling down the last few pieces and the sides. Not for pleasure, but simply to finish off what I started. I began to feel stuffed, unhealthy, regret, guilt and ashamed. How could something I so much desire, lost all its value in such a short instant? Will a mere mortal like me ever feel satisfied and content with this diversely rich and fortunate world I live in today?
Funny how much our mindset change throughout phases of life. Being in the early phase of adulthood, things I thought I knew began to reshape into many different forms I couldn’t fully recognize. I found solutions but at the same time found even more unanswered questions.
One day feeling overly-confident, and the next day feeling like an imposter. Excited pursuing one thing for a week, then felt demotivated and distracted with other stuff the following week. Some hobbies become frustration, taking a break sometimes becomes guilt, etc.
A lot of things appear as a dichotomy and I myself often rely on such archetypes. Like completely demotivated or extremely motivated. You’re either lazy or dilligent, rude or kind, dumb or a genius, inexperience or experienced. But I think in truth, all of us are never in the extremes (although we sometimes think achieving them will bring infinite satisfaction). I think we just need to find that sweet spot in between the extremes, re-adjusting ourselves to achieve a homeostasis point where we’d feel most fulfilled.
So that’s the theme I’d like to write for this post. Just to uncover and destructure the brain farts, abstract thoughts, and ramblings of this 21 year old brain over the past few months of quarantine.
Taking the curious learner perspective
I’m guilty of trying to juggle too much things at the same time. I don’t think distractions are necessarily bad, because it’s what has been keeping me moving, entertained, and trying new things. To name a few things in the past week - watch and read on ML related stuff, finish a character drawing course, binge watching a CompTIA prep network course, and preparing for AWS CCP certificate. I just jump back-n-forth and finding new things to distract myself.
I remember hearing a variant of the 80% 20% rule, where you dedicate your 80% only on one thing and 20% to explore other things. For me 80% is probably programming. But even in programming, one thing could be many things. Should I focus on web as much as I do now or could I be meant to try out something else like ML, game, research, embedded, data science, etc? Even in the simpler case like learning backend (I’m currently learning Ruby on Rails for my internship), there are still much things involved internally like properly maintaing the DB, deploying and scaling it, measuring metrics, not to mention the billions of awesome open-source libraries out there. It’s awesome but extremely daunting sometimes.
I realize there’s so much possibilities to pursue. The more I explore and the more options there are, the less I feel like I know anything at all. Programming IS fun. But it makes learning becomes frustrating sometimes if there’s no underlying passion/mission/calling/purpose.
Liquid Modernity
An idea I came across in an article was one by Zygmunt Bauman about his book called liquid modernity. We were used to be trapped in ‘solidity’ and in today’s age we are now trapped in ‘liquid modernity’ where we feel as though the ideal condition to be in is a liquid state. It used to be that the goal of life was to find one thing (a niche) to excel at, and then settle there through conformity. Nowadays these patterns begin to vanish and we find ourself struggling to find the right ‘end goal’ to take. Our life is now dominated by the question ‘what should I do?’ and ‘Have I used my time wisely?’. This contrasts with the traditional solid state where the end goal is a given and we just have to find that means to an end. Now we live in the world with ‘infinite ends’ to pursue. A life of a digital nomad. The one who dominates are the ones who moves fast.
The world is constantly changing fast at scale. As for myself (a tiny particle in space) all I really hope is to be a part of few of these bazillion changes that is hopefully one which moves things in the ‘right’ direction.
Living in a world of paradoxes by Mark Manson
Another interesting read was by Mark Manson’s blog about the world of paradoxes we live in today. I’m personally not a fan of paradoxes. But it is what it is (life).
- Paradox of control: Stability vs change.
The idea that you want control (stability), but at the same time you need to change. But thing is you can’t have both of them. The moment you are in control of everything that’s when you no longer change. Similarly, when you change you are presented with the risky unknown and you loose stability.
Either way, I can definitely agree that between living a life full of uneventful stability or a life full of new and changing experiences will never satisfy us. We will live constantly struggling to find balance between both extremes.
- Paradox of choice: commitment vs freedom.
The idea that we want freedom to choose and to have many options always available to us. But at the same time wanting commitment (back to the idea of solidity).
Having commitment leads to the lost opportunity cost from giving up the other options. And vice versa, having freedom without commitment will make our life pointless.
- Paradox of relationship: Individuality and control
The idea that we conform with others to feel connected, secure, and loved. But that discourage individuality that we also seek.
As quoted from Mark himself, the “Trick isn’t to stop caring. It’s to prioritize how you feel about yourself over what other people think.” (once again its about finding that balance)
Might be unrelated but as someone who grew up in Southeast Asia and also experiencing the culture of the western world, I feel like conformity is not really a huge issue here in Canada as much as it is back home. Past few years studying and working in Canada I’ve been surrounded by a MASSIVE variety of individuals with different background and goals. Indonesia on the other hand feels more socially ‘tight’. One where there is little tolerance to deviance from the strong social norms. <- my personal biased opinion from experiences I have as a kid. Might change.
- The point
As relatable as it is, I think these ideas are indeed vague and will universally apply to all aspects of our lives (whether its choosing a career, relationships, or even in your decision on what to have for dinner). After thinking hard I’d just come to the conclusion that one can only accept it. I would constantly oscillate to find balance and that sweet-spot will even change over time.
Conclusion
I came across a term called ‘Finding Goldilocks’ and I like it. It originates from a weird folk-tale about a unciviliced human girl named Goldilocks and a family of bears offering her porridge. The moral of the story teaches you that the best things will always lie midway between opposite extremes.
In hex notation, it’s about making peace with the fact that we live in the area between #00000 and #FFFFFF. It’s also where you’ll find things to be most colorful :sparkles:.
There’s this quote that goes
Getting lost is a great way to find yourself
And I completely agree. Except that I think we will always be lost and that we will never find the you that you seek for. We will never be fulfilled and if that’s the case than be it. I think what makes us close to fulfillment is really just striving to improve ourself everyday and doing good to the world.
For now I’d like to believe that despite the shortcomings of being in this quarantine, it’s ok to be slightly distracted, anxious, or disoriented. Because I’m never truly lost or in a definite path. I’ll always just be oscillating in that grey area we call life.